Why Are Children in the Same Family So Different From One Another?

Discover what factors create a personality and give each of us a different perspective on life.
“When I approach a child
He inspires in me two sentiments:
Tenderness for what he is,
And respect for what he may become.”
—Louis Pasteur
One of the questions I am most often asked is, “How can two children having the same parents have such extremely different personalities and interests?”
We ascribe many differences to gender. Other times, it is easy to see how a child born physically challenged will be different than siblings who are blessed with strong physiques. Also, we recognize the importance that basic intelligence plays in the ease with which a child learns. One child may be particularly bright and enjoy school, while for his sibling, who has dyslexia, school is a struggle, although that child may star in another way.
Nevertheless, although siblings may be the same sex, equally intelligent and equally capable physically, when their parents are through playing The Parenting Game, there are several reasons why their “products” look, sound, and act differently.
Our Temperaments Are Different
We all come of out the chute, so to speak, with a particular point of view concerning what life is all about. These inborn characteristics—shyness, moodiness, intensity, extroversion—shape the way we approach the experiences that, in turn, help shape who we become.
For example, there are some children who enter each new experience with great enthusiasm, while others, who come equipped with a brain structure that makes them much more reticent, wait to see how things unfold before they venture forth. The manner in which each child enters into potential experiences will influence what each of them will get out of life.
Not long ago we took grandsons to Disneyland. The oldest is a very loving and gentle child, but he holds back in new situations and tends to be frightened of things he doesn’t understand. Because of his temperament, he didn’t care for the music and animation on the “Small World” ride and cried in “Pirates of the Caribbean.” His younger brother, on the other hand, who rushes into new adventures with abandon, loved everything.
At the end of the day we wanted to go on the Haunted House ride and knew the only sensible plan was to allow the older boy to watch the fireworks with another adult, while the rest of us went into the scary house. The younger child was thrilled and the older boy enjoyed the fireworks, although a couple years before then he had been frightened of the noise and it took several experiences before he agreed that fireworks were fun to watch.
Although both boys enjoyed their Disneyland adventure, they will have different memories of the day simply from having different perspectives with which they experienced the event.
What’s “In” and What’s “Out” Can Change Quickly
We can easily see the difference between cultural norms in one century and the next. Yet even within a decade there can be shifts that allow one sibling an experience the other sibling doesn’t get. For example, advancements in areas as diverse as technology and fashions keep a parent on her toes as she experiments with encouraging or discouraging her children’s use of the latest products, often before there has been time to test their full impact.
Before September 11, 2001, many parents taught their children that the United States was a secure country. After that fateful day, their sense of invincibility was shattered and they weren’t sure what to tell their children. Therefore, for many people this event changed the way they parented; perhaps the new reality caused them to create more anxious children than would be true for siblings who had come into the family in less frightening times.
Parents Grow and Learn New Parenting Tricks